Personal Revelation

I grew up in the church. I've never known life as a non-Christian. Today, I got a taste of the contrast between life without Jesus and life with Jesus.

Without Jesus:
How do I describe this? I've been having trouble sleeping. Each night I wait until I get tired, then I go to bed. A couple nights ago, it was 2:30 before I realized that I should try and go to bed. Then when I do fall asleep, it's not for very long. I'll wake up every couple of hours. I do the same thing with food. I wait until I'm hungry, then I eat. Some days I don't eat until 3:30 in the afternoon, and that will be my only meal that day. I'm just not hungry.

Every single day I'm tempted to fall back into my old ways. Every free moment I have, the temptation creeps in. Whispers surround me, "Just go ahead and sin. It'll be fun." Sometimes I fight it. Most times I can't.

Then there's that feeling that I'm all alone. Whenever people need or ask for my help, I'm always there for them. Now that I'm the one that's asking, I'm utterly disappointed in the response that I've gotten. I've sent off emails and mailed out letters to all of my relatives and exactly zero of them have responded or even acknowledged that they even got the letter.

Some of my friends have stepped up, and I'm truly grateful for them, but if you compare the number that responded to the total number of people I know, and it's less than 1%. Disappointing.

This morning it all came to a head. I tried to get ready for church, but it was hard on a small amount of sleep and a large amount of headache. I didn't have any energy to worship. It hurt to keep my eyes open during the sermon. During the entire second set of worship, I just rested my head in my hands, and spent the whole time praying.

I felt hollow, stretched thin, brittle.

Even after the first service when I was back at my apartment, all I wanted to do was lie on my couch with my eyes closed. However, I couldn't do that. I had to prepare for the children's ministry during third service. I printed out a coloring sheet, ate some food, and lied down on my couch...at least until my roommate walked out and started talking to me.

When it was time to go, I got into my car and headed back to church. I made copies of the coloring page, and waited in the classroom for the kids to show up.



With Jesus:

Jesus is always so faithful to send His Holy Spirit to help me deal with those kids.

They started showing up, and none of my issues seemed to matter. I had energy. My headache was gone. I was the opposite of alone with my three classroom helpers. Everything was fine.

What's that you say? There's no one to lead worship? That's fine. I'll sing something.
What's that you say? There's no teachers in the three year old classroom, five year old classroom, or six year old class room, and you have to send them all into my four year old class? That's fine, I can handle it. What's that you say? Now we do have someone to lead worship? Great. Everything kept changing on me, but none of it seemed overwhelming.

It was the most hectic day I've had in the last few months and none of it bothered me. We ended up having 14 kids from three to six years old, and when their parents came and took them away at the end of the service, I had more energy than I started with.

That's the difference of with Jesus and without Jesus.

Galatians 2:20
²⁰ I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

Psalm 73:25-26
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.


Prayer Requests:
Now is the time when things start to get sad. I'm leaving Carpinteria this week. I'm leaving the children's ministry, I'm leaving my friends, I'm leaving my church. Pray that instead of being sad and looking back, that I'll stay focused on Jesus and be filled with joy that I'm that much closer to serving Him in Romania.

Regular Request:
Send me Bible verses. I've been slacking on my reading, but if you posted some verses in the comments, then I could go look them up, and read the surrounding verses. You know what, post chapters, post entire books of the Bible. Doing that will help me in two ways. It will put my nose back into the Bible, and it will let me know that people actually read this thing, and have my back as I head off to Romania.

It's 1:20. I should probably go to bed.